Dealing with Harmful Sexual Behaviour: The need for Affirmation and Encouragement

Initially published 30 August 2024 on LinkedIn.

The little guy could not make eye contact with me in that first session. His inappropriate behaviour had brought him into my playroom and he was having a hard time feeling comfortable, no matter what I did or said. The problem was, his perception was that this play therapy session was a punishment. It was not, but he couldn't hear that no matter what I said or did. He was feeling pretty poorly about himself.

I set about embarking on an affirmation campaign. If there is one thing we know about children who engage in HSB, it's that they are looking for something, but they just don't know what it is. As adults, we can name that they need basic love, care and protection. They need emotional connection and engagement. They need present and nurturing adults. They need appropriate, warm physical touch. They need to be shown and told in as many ways possible that they are loved.

I sourced the little guy a box that he could make his own - many stickers were used- and store affirmations in. I rounded up all the important people in his life; parents, teacher, grandparents, rugby coach... etc and asked them to write letters saying a few things they like and appreciate about him.

The impact was amazing. He blossomed under the shower of affirmations. I made sure we had an affirmation per week for several weeks, I would read it to him and he would put it in his special designed- for- purpose box. Interesting that the little guy's compulsive behaviour reduced hugely in the flurry of positive affirmations.

Our behaviour is not the sum total of who we are. It is a symptom of what is, and/or what might be missing. Children who display harmful sexual behaviour more than likely need affirmation and encouragement in double doses. They need to know they are valued, they are important, they are loved. They need to know they are seen beyond the HSB. They need those they love to see them in their shame and love them still.

A box of affirmations is not a total healing package. But I believe it can be a significant contribution to the healing journey.